Ironies

When I called my dad to talk about the holidays, he said he wasn't even sure we were coming home. He may have still been upset had we not, but he didn't seem to expect it.

My mom hadn't been home when we visited the last holiday season. She was called away to help take care of her sister, who is suffering from a terminal illness. When I called her to talk about the holidays, she mentioned that she might have to go back to help her sister, but she didn't expect it to happen until after the new year.

Last night, I got a phone call that my mom is heading out of town to help her sister. She said she expected to be back before we come to visit.

But she expected that last year, too.

I know I'm being selfish. My aunt is dying. And she and my mom are very, very close.

But I feel like we sacrifice to come home. And I feel like that even more this year. And I just want her to make some time for me, to be there for Christmas.

I feel awful for feeling this way. But if she isn't there for Christmas, my disappointment will be crushing. And I don't feel good about that, because it will mean my aunt has gotten even worse.

I know it isn't right. But to find out that she might not be there after all... I just feel really upset, as though I'm not as important to her. And that just feels really selfish to me. But I don't know how to feel differently.