Bad Attitude

I'm home. And by home, I mean far away from any place that I might reasonably be expected to call "home."

I'm in the city where I spent the majority of my under-age years. (For reasons best left for another time, I don't feel right calling it my "childhood.")

I've spent time with my father. Good time, actually. We've gone out to eat a couple of times and had nice (and relatively light) conversation.

And I talked with one of my brothers. But I was too tired after the flight yesterday to go visit him. I'm sure I'll see him this week.

Today, my wife and I went to my old college town and hung out with friends of mine from those days. We're still friends, but I met them in college. Indeed, in some ways, I think of them as my third family. Sometimes maybe even my best family. We've been through a lot together. And I feel most at home with them, I think. I don't see them nearly enough. And these visits make my trips back to where I grew up all the more meaningful.

And now part of me is wishing I could just leave.

I mean, I want to see my siblings, and visit with my dad some more. But I feel so out of sorts. I feel so disconnected from everyone. And I came wanting to find a way to make this enjoyable. But I feel like I've got a bad attitude about it all.

Part of me is surprised that I'm still upset with my mother for not being here. I guess this really was the last straw in some ways. To be this upset with her for this long... It has cast this whole trip in a negative light.

But I don't think it's right that, because I'm upset with her, that I should suffer or make others suffer. I'm trying to enjoy myself, to be present for those people that are around. But it's hard to feel part of a family when you aren't staying with family, when you are staying in a hotel, driving around visiting people. It's hard to feel those connections when it all feels like an afternoon visit.

I know I need an attitude transplant. Or I'm going to return home with a worse feeling than when I came. But I don't know how to set this aside. As much as I've enjoyed the first two days, I just don't know how I'm going to stand another five.