One thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is how fair this time has been on my (adoptive) mom. This seemed especially noticeable with my (first) mom visiting last weekend. I had such a good time. But my a-mom and I barely have a relationship right now. It seems unfair that I am having a good relationship with one of them, but not the other. At the very least, I feel a bit guilty.
I suppose that seems a bit silly. After all, simply because I'm having a bad relationship at the moment with one person, it doesn't mean that I should torch my other relationships.
I think the problem is that I'm worried I'm acting as though the grass is greener on the other side. It's true that I don't have the baggage with my f-mom that I do with my a-family. But I don't really think I'm trying to replace one family with another. I'm just trying to enjoy the good relationship I currently have with my f-mom.
It's weird juggling all these different relationships. And while somethings in my reunion have gotten better and more stable, this stuff never seems to. Maybe I shouldn't feel any guilt. But the loyalty issues never really seem to go away.
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Two adult adoptees talking about their experiences with adoption and searching for their first families.
Adoption Resources
Books on Adoption (that we've read and recommend)
- Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig
- Birthright by Jean A. S. Strauss
- Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton
- The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
- The Adoption Mystique by Joanne Wolf Small
1 comment:
They never do go away, do they.
When I told my a-mom of finding the remnants of my n-family, the disappointment was evident on her face. She claims to be ok with it, but I feel guilty and obliged to call often and remind her that I still love her.
Ain't adoption wonderful?
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