Annual Rituals

This week, we made plans to visit family over the holidays. Once again, we'll be visiting my adoptive family. I'm okay with that, I think. I want to see my father. After losing his father this year, I want to be there for him.

Of course, this trip means that I'll see my mother, too. Possibly, that is. I haven't spoken to her in about a month. I honestly don't know if she will be home this holiday season or not.

To be honest, I'm not sure which I would prefer.

If she's not there, that would suck. To have her gone three years in a row from a holiday visit would seem absurd.

But if she is there, I have to wonder how it will go. In addition to making the airline reservations, I made a reservation at the hotel we stayed at last time. How will she react if we don't stay with her?

I am not trying to punish her. I'm not angry with her. I just don't feel right staying with her. And I'm worried that she will see it as a form of punishment, or revenge.

It's just that things aren't the same. I don't know that they ever were how I really saw them, but if so, they aren't that way now. And I don't know that they can ever go back. I feel the need to distance myself. I need to keep a part of me safe from the emotional turmoil that she causes in my life.

It still feels like an awful thing to say about my mother. But a year after she abandoned me, again, I still feel that way. I love her, and I want a relationship with her. But I don't know how to trust her. Not completely. Not now. Maybe not ever.

One more reason for me not to like the holidays.