Early Christmas

Tonight my first mom and I opened the gifts we sent each other while we spoke on the phone. She sent us a lot of neat things, and she really liked the dragon I sent her. It was good talking to her.

And it made me wish I could be with her and my brothers on Christmas.

I mentioned this, and she said she would like that, but she also knew I had other people who wanted to see me, and she didn't want my family to be disappointed. I understood what she meant.

And yet...

I've been playing the "don't let anyone down" game for so long that I'm not even sure what I want. If someone were to ask me where I wanted to spend the holidays, I'm not even sure what the answer is. Home? Missouri? Ohio? New York? I don't know. I just want everyone to be happy.

But that's not possible. And it's not compatible with me being happy. I don't know what I want. But I know trying to make everyone else happy is probably the best way to ensure I won't be.

I know it's important to consider other people's feelings. But I also know that it's important to take care of myself, too. I just don't know how to balance those different things.

So when it comes to spending time with people over the holidays, I don't know what I want. I just want everyone to be happy.