Events keep moving, whether I get my head together enough to post or not.
Last Friday I received pictures from my birth mother. Shelly put this perfectly... The pictures made all of this so much more real. She was a real person. I could see what she looked like. I could see what my half-brothers looked like. I, and others, could see some of my features in those grainy pictures. Suddenly, I felt even more scared than I had before.
Why was I scared? I'm not sure. I think because they had become more real. There were real people on the other end of this. They have feelings and hopes for all of this too. And what if I couldn't meet them? What if I couldn't live up to them?
Is that silly? I hope not. I know, intellectually, I think, that it's not about meeting hopes or expectations. But I suddenly felt worried about that.
But all told, I was still excited by everything, just a lot more nervous than I had been. And I had been pretty nervous. It feels like there is so much to take in and to process.
Now, today, this morning, I finally got the contact information. And we've started exchanging e-mails. It's so much nicer getting e-mails than having to wait weeks for the next letter. And I really can't imagine how much money I would be spending on express mail if e-mail wasn't an option.
I'm trying to build up the nerve for a phone call. I've never been really comfortable talking on the phone, I think. Well, that's not entirely true. I think I was really good at phone conversations when I was in high school. But I seemed to have lost the skill now that I'm older. I can talk to my family pretty well on the phone, but sometimes I even feel awkward with my siblings. So I'm hoping I can get over myself and screw up the courage to talk on the phone.
For almost three months I had no idea what was going on or how long it might take. Now things have just snowballed. It's hard to get a handle on things long enough to take a breath. But so far, I'm hanging on.