Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has come and gone. I spoke to both my mothers. It was nice talking to my first mom. It was a little strange talking to my adoptive mom. But both conversations were pleasant. And they were both happy to hear from me.

And it got me thinking... What ever hang-ups I have with my father, they seem to pale in comparison with the hang-ups I have with my mother (my adoptive mother).

Is it because he was around and she wasn't? Is it because I expected more from her, and so could have a bigger let down? Is there something different about the way we think about our mothers?

It seems bizarre. I love my dad, but he's not exactly been emotionally available. Still, he provides a kind of comfort and support that I value. My mom has often not been that for me. I don't know why. Did I just not lean on her? Did I try and find that she wasn't strong enough? Did I expect too much of her? She always seemed to need supporting, rather than being able to support.

I'm not looking to trade one mom for another. I'm not trying to compare my mom unfairly to my dad. But I've pulled away so much from her, I don't know how to find my way back to our relationship. And I don't know what kind of relationship I would want to get back.

Nothing like a Hallmark holiday to get me thinking about my bizarre familial relationships.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Mother's Day Cards

I'm desperately trying to resume some kind of normalcy in life, with some success. Our basement is being returned to its previous state, albeit slowly. The semester is winding down (though the meetings haven't eased up). In general I'm beginning to think we might just come out of this without too much more difficulty. *knock on wood*

So today I looked for Mother's Day cards. After two months of not thinking about adoption, today I couldn't avoid it. It seemed the every card either made direct reference to birth or made some observation about how mom was always there for you.

Only one of the two people I was buying cards for was there when I was born, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be reminded of missing out on the next three and a half decades. So cards about giving birth seemed right out.

And given the situation with either of my mom's, especially some of the things my a-mom and I have been going through the last six months, I didn't think reminiscences about all those times together as mother and child seemed to hit the right note, either.

It was aggravating trying to find cards that still showed the love I feel for these two women, without sounding false. It's these little struggles that reminds me of my odd status.

I'm really not all that fond of Mother's Day, even while I'm fond of my mothers.