I promised myself (and any readers we might actually have) at least one post a week. And the week is almost up, so I have to post.
So I'm thinking about my struggle coming up with a post this week. And I realize that in the last few days, I'm just wishing I could be normal. I wish I weren't adopted.
Not in the sense that I don't love my family. Not in the sense that I wish my first mom had kept me. (I suppose part of me does wish my first mom had kept me, but that raises all kinds of conflict in my head and my heart, so I don't intend to go there right now.)
What I mean is just that I wish I didn't have to think about all these things. I wish I didn't have to stumble with words trying to say something simply like "I'm going to visit my family this weekend." I want to not have to think about my complicated family and what they are all thinking about in relation to one another. I just want one set of parents, one set of siblings, and so on.
I know that there's no use wishing for that. I can't change the past, so I can't change my present situation. I can, I suppose, forget one side or the other, but that would just be self-deception. I don't like having to deal with this oddity of adoption. I don't like the complications. But they are a reality in my life. So I have to face up to them.
It does make me wonder... What might have helped? Growing up, I mean. What could society, or my parents, have done differently that would have made this easier? Anything? Is it inherent in having multiple families? Or is it simply an effect of closed adoption and the secrecy and denial that was inherent in the system decades ago?
I realize I don't know. I don't have any answers. I think it would have helped me to be able to talk about these things. But I don't know if it would be easier now. I just don't know.
And as all of these thoughts race through my head during large portions of the day, I can't help but wonder what it's like to not have to think about these things. And I begin to shut down about adoption. That makes it hard to know what to post about here, because I feel like I'm trying to run away from it all again.
But I can't do that. I need to process all of this. I need to find a way to integrate all of this into my psyche. I want to be whole. I don't think I can be normal. But I don't want to shut parts of myself off again. I did that for too long. And it hurt too much.
So all I can do is ramble on, in the hopes that one day, things will fall into place a little bit more.