Thursday, September 10, 2009


I knew I had a brother.

Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I knew I had a sibling, and I had very, very good reason for thinking I had a brother. I knew my father had had another child. And some research last year revealed that there was a man who fit all the details I had, and so I believed, with very good evidence, that I had a brother.

Because of a fellow adoptee contacting some natural family on Facebook a while back, I decided to see if I could find the person I thought was my brother on Facebook. It took almost no time at all, and after deliberating for less than an hour, I sent him a message.

He responded, tentatively at first, but it didn't take long. He accepted me as his brother, as did my other brother, whom he contacted. In almost no time at all, I was finally in contact with my father's family. Both of them have said that they think my father feels guilty, and that he will probably get in contact with me at some point. (Of course, this was a couple of months ago now. Still nothing on that front.)

They have been great. Immediately welcoming me and treating me with kindness.

And yet, I jumped into this with very little forethought. I don't know what I expected or hoped for. I guess I thought I might get his attention, and get to know my brother(s). But now that I'm in touch, I don't know what to say to them. They have both offered, on several occasions, to answer questions that I have, but I can't think of what questions I want to ask.

This whole thing feels so primal that coming up with meaningful questions seems beyond me at this point. I want to form a relationship with them, but it's hard. I don't even exactly know why, or what would make it easier. I wish I had thought about this more before flying off half-cocked. But now I'm in it, I don't want them to think I don't want to get to know them. I just have no idea how to go about it.

I seem to have this uncanny ability to turn even a good thing into a problem.


maybe said...

I'm glad they are so open and acceptig of you. You'll figure it out with time.

Anonymous said...

Here is a suggestion you may find useful.

When I found my son, we didn't know quite what to say. I didn't want to overload him with questions and he honestly didn't know what to say to me.

We decided to play 20 questions, except that we keep it to 2 questions.

I would send an e-mail in which I asked 2 questions such as "What is your favourite colour" and "What is your favourite food".

I would say what my answers were to those questions and let him answer back. I was amazed how many things we had in common. My son would then send 2 more questions and say what his answers were to them.

It was a fun way of getting to know each other before meeting. It adds a bit of levity and reduces the stress you might be feeling.

Some questions you can ask -

What music do you like?
What sports do you like?
What places have you been to?
What places would you like to go to that you haven't been to yet?

You get the idea.

It really worked for us.

Good luck.