For now, I wanted to share something you with you, written by a good (online) friend of mine... She wrote this on Facebook, and I don't think she minds me sharing it. It so beautifully sums up the experience of the adoptee, I cannot imagine how to improve upon it:
The bastard in love, lust and agony by Andraya
Being adopted is hard work. It takes more effort to trust, love, accept and believe. Not to give those things, mind you, but to allow others to give them to me. I trust, love, accept and believe too intensely, too soon and without thinking it through. But to receive them from others is heart wrenching. I can list off a thousand reasons why I am simply, not good enough. If I sit down and actually think about it I AM good enough, often TOO good, but in the moment my inner strength backs down like a puppy shit kicked one too many times. This can not be the way to live, this can not be how I spend my life, angry and alone because of fear. Fear that yet another person will walk away, die, be taken or otherwise removed from my life. It cripples every personal relationship in my life, friends, family, lovers and even my children. Putting this out there on facebook is probably the stupidest thing I can do... already my brain is pushing. It's like tempting the fates, "See! I told you I wasn't what you needed or wanted! Neener, neener, neener!"
So here is my promise to myself and to all of you. I will try not to sabotage my relationship with you, whatever form of relationship that is. I will accept whatever you are able to give and give whatever you are able to accept. I will initiate conversation without letting my brain finish it for you based on what I think you will say. I will not read your mind, only my own. I will be more tolerant of what others are able to offer. I will enjoy the time I have with each and every one of you and never push you for more than you can give at any moment. I won't put my shit onto you or my words in your mouth.
And if I can't and you see me acting in a way that is putting our relationship in jeopardy all I ask is that you tell me one thing...
STOP ACTING SO FUCKING ADOPTED YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD!