I know that not every reunion goes well. I know that there are bad stories as well as good ones. And I know that, in many ways, I've had a good one.
While this does not make me happier about adoption, nor does it alleviate the difficulties caused by my first father's refusal to respond to any of my attempts at communication, it is still a source of joy in my life now.
I was reminded of that again today. So many times I get an e-mail from my first mom that just has a story or even a line that resonates so vividly in me. It is a strange feeling, knowing that there is another person out there who has some of the same kinds of thoughts and reactions that I do.
I know that even bio-kids don't always share that sort of connection with their parents. But I wonder if this is something that people often take for granted? Does it seem more special because it was something denied to me for so long?
Perhaps I should just enjoy it, and not over-think it too much.
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Two adult adoptees talking about their experiences with adoption and searching for their first families.
Adoption Resources
Books on Adoption (that we've read and recommend)
- Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig
- Birthright by Jean A. S. Strauss
- Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton
- The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
- The Adoption Mystique by Joanne Wolf Small
4 comments:
I think real kids take it for granted.
This reminds me of a story that will always stay with me. Xmas 2006 I was invited to FL to stay with my aunt and uncle, and cousins. We had baked ham for Christmas Eve dinner. Ketchup was being passed around the table, and when it came to me my Aunt asked "DO you want some ketchup with your ham?" and I replied "Of course! I can't imagine eating ham without ketchup!"
This made everyone laugh, and my aunt replied, "Yep, she sure is a (my last name)."
Validation. Yep I fit. Yep this is my tribe.
I had been "reunited" about 21 years.
I do think real kids take it for granted, or just don't notice it.
Or maybe we're hyper alert to it because we've gone without it for so much of our lives--sort of like a person who loses a sense only to have another heightened.
I'm sorry about your father.
I'm not adopted, but my only child was. We are only a couple of years into reunion and because of distance have not had much time together. However, we just spent the weekend together (only the 4th time we’ve been together) and I am just amazed by the genetic connections: the similar patterns of speech, language, mannerisms, thinking the same thing at the same time, etc. It gives me goose bumps.
As a non-adopted person I know I have taken the genetic connection to my family for granted. I recognize this connection with my brother especially, who I am close to. However, it totally blows my mind that I can experience this with my son who I’ve been separated from for 22 years. It is an amazing mystery in which I find much consolation, comfort, and beauty. It also exacerbates feelings of loss.
I would guess that had I raised other biological children I would expect to share these feelings, and I think experiencing these feelings with a son who I had been separated from for a long time would really highlight how close biology brings us to one another.
Have you asked you mom about how she feels about it?
Of course, I love this biological connection that I have with my son because I don’t have much shared history with him – yet – but hope we can keep working on it. Fingers crossed – for all of us who’ve been separated by adoption.
I also keep hoping that you will hear from your father. It took me 2 months to respond to my son, and 8 months to hear back from him.
Best to you!
Carol
PS: I just bought the book “Synchronicity and reunion” by LaVonne Stiffler. I’m looking forward to reading it.
I am almost 3 months into Online reunion with my birthmother.. and we share amazing similarities in the way we think and write.. which i find amazing. I cannot wait for a face to face reunion to see how the rest plays into it. I can only imagine that we will continue to see more.. when we im.. we actually write the same thing and hit enter at the same time.. how connected is that! finally some one like me!
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