Monday, March 8, 2010

Subtle Digs

So I called my adoptive mom yesterday. I explained how busy I had been and had lost track of time. I apologized for missing her birthday, and she seemed okay with it. Who knows if she really accepted my apology. I don't. But she seemed to.

The conversation, however, took an odd turn at one point. She began to express some hurt over being slighted by one of her other children. Apparently, they delayed going out for her birthday by a day because they attended another birthday party (or two). So because they had been with other people, they couldn't be with her.

She was clearly upset by it. And she also clearly was trying not to dwell too much on it. She couldn't help feel hurt, but she was trying not to make a big deal about it.

I expressed my understanding that you want to be with family to celebrate special occasions.

I have to say, if she picked up on my dig, she didn't let on. I appreciated the karmic symmetry of her being abandoned on her birthday after abandoning her children for two holiday seasons in a row. Whether she understood the karmic implications, however, is beyond me.

I almost said something else, something to make it more obvious, but I realized I would be drifting into the realm of cruelty. As it was, I felt a little guilty for what I had already said. But I also felt a little better for having said something.

I don't want her to be hurt. And I'm sorry her children aren't always as thoughtful as she would like them to be. But she did teach them to be like that. And I would like her to understand how we have been made to feel by her absence.

Still, I'm not interested in punishing her. Even while I appreciate the symmetry, I have compassion for her, and I'd like to see her happy.


There's a lot of ambivalence wrapped up in all of this for me.


Von said...

Yes indeed, but what goes around comes around.Good wishes.

phil said...

To be sure, Von. That's sort of my point. She now is making the same complaint against my siblings that I've had about her for the last few years.

If what you mean is that I will reap what I have sown... Well, what I wanted to do was suggest, in the gentlest way I could, that she needed to apply her objections to my brother's behavior to her own. And certainly, I would want people to point out my own failings so that I could fix them. If I have wronged someone, I would want to put it right, if I could.

She seems uninterested in that. Or rather, she seems not to understand she has wronged anyone.

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