Tuesday, April 15, 2008


You don't want to hear me complain about hearing absolutely nothing from my natural father. I don't want to keep complaining about it. I take my promise to post here every week seriously. But I feel numb inside. If I think about adoption right now, I'm afraid I'll just collapse. I hope I can do something more before long, but every time I start to think about adoption, I just think about him. And I feel anxious. I know I'll either have to write another letter or call him. But right now, I don't think I can do either.

This is lame. And I feel so lost. It's not worth blogging about. If he isn't my father (though that seems unlikely), he should have the decency to tell me. And if he is, and wants nothing to do with me, he should at least have the decency to tell me that. For now, I just sit here, paralyzed by anxiety.


Andie D. said...

Oh shit Phil. I know that feeling so well. The crappy thing is the more you wait, the more your self talk will take over. No matter his eventual response, it's going to pale in comparison to your self talk.

The not knowing is a killer. I know it's scary as hell, but you may want to think about pushing forward with another letter or call.

You have nothing to lose babe. And you know you'll still be YOU and you'll still have us.

phil said...

Thanks, Andie...

My nmom gave me a helpful suggestion for a next letter. (One with direct questions about my history and medical info...) So he can answer that and then tell me to get lost if he wants. If nothing else, it might get him moving. I think I'm going to write another one and hope for the best.

I can't believe how screwed-up this is making me feel.

But it helps to know I have friends like you around. Thanks again.

The Fuzzy Duck Daughter said...

Aw Phil.

This really hurts to hear that he is not responding to your letter.

I can relate somewhat, having gone through the motions and sent out hundreds of letters to men who could be my father. There were a couple that I was almost positive could be the right man, and it took me forever to hear back from them. To say the waiting is agonizing is the understatement of the century.

I just hope you hear something, and soon.

We're all here in your corner.

xx irisheyes