I never considered myself anti-adoption. I always grudgingly accepted adoption as a necessity. I thought it was a complex proposition, and I did not like that society failed, repeatedly, to acknowledge the complexity. But I accepted that it was sometimes necessary.
Now, I'm not so sure. I mean, I'm not entirely certain I even accept that it's necessary anymore. Maybe it is. I don't want to become too extreme without more thought. But it's becoming harder and harder for me to accept that necessity.
Maybe it's the constant feeling of beating my head into brick walls. After all, if I cannot get people to acknowledge the issues inherent in adoption, perhaps it would just be better if there weren't any adoptions. I'm not sure that's really a solution. But I think I'm being pulled that way.
Reading through Lifton's Journey of the Adopted Self, I ran across this passage:
Adoptees may never completely heal, but after search and reunion at least they have a potential for growth. There is the chance to move from the traumatized self to the revitalized and transformed self.
That really struck me. It helps to know that not completely healing may be normal. That's what it feels like for me. I am not healed. I can't imagine being healed.
But beyond that, there was something worrisome... I don't know how to move from the traumatized self. I feel stuck. I've gotten in touch with the traumatized portion of myself, but I want to move past that. So far, I haven't found the path further on.
But maybe that just takes more time. Right now... everything takes time. Maybe that's just one more thing.