Monday, January 4, 2010


One of the stranger visits home is finally over. I survived.

After the bastard meet-up a week ago, it was all family, all the time. It was nice to see them all. But I won't deny that there were strange moments.

Truthfully, it was a fine visit. I have noticed, however, that the longer I'm there, the more I feel different. It's like my brain changes when I'm home. I begin thinking differently. I fall into old patterns. I feel more distant from the world. I begin shutting myself off from all my emotions.

That last one is just a return to form, but it's not ideal now that Ronni is with me. Shutting down emotionally is not conducive to maintaining a healthy relationship. But this is the habit I'm used to being in with my family. I just get to feeling like I'm walking through a fog. It's hard to think or to stay motivated.

I don't exactly know why. I mean, there are all the obvious explanations for why I was like that when I was growing up. But reverting feels so unsettling when I realize it's going on. It's not their fault, really. They never required this of me. It's just how I reacted to all the things around me.

Still, I love them. And I miss them. My sister and her kids, especially. But my youngest brother also seemed to warm up to me a bit, and that was a nice change of pace.

I'm glad I saw them all. And it was relatively drama-free, for which I'm eternally grateful. But I'm also very glad to be back home. And I feel a little guilty about that, too.

I want to spend one Christmas with my first family at some point, but I don't know how to juggle all of those people. And I know I can't just not see my adoptive family. It's a problem to which I don't see a solution yet.

For now, I'm just glad to have gotten through another visit to my family, and that it went passably well.


GooseBreeder said...

You did it and survived, survivor!Next Christmas is a long way off and gives plenty of time to think of a way to juggle it all.
The fog descends at unexpected and expected times, one you recognise it you're part way there.
Good wishes.

phil said...

Just to be clear... I didn't mean adoption fog. (I should be more careful about my language.) I just meant a fuzzy-headed feeling, like walking through a dream or something. Like my mind doesn't work the same way it does when I'm in my own home. :)

I LOVE YOU said...
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tiger said...
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