i wish that i could have the satisfaction of attempting a search without the guilt of searching. i wish the triad was divisible. but it isn't. there is no me without my birthparents and my adoptive parents and there is no search for the former without some kind of effect on the latter.
but i am so ready!
for years i maintained all kinds of reasons to not be ready. i believed i couldn't present myself to someone so significant without having a complete, tidy package to present. i didn't want to disappoint. so all of those things about myself that made social interaction uncomfortable, or even shameful, were sufficient reasons to not introduce my mess-of-a-self to the people who created me. but i don't have that anymore. all of the things that shamed me so deeply have been resolved. i am healthy. i have completed the educational goals i began. i have a job that is right for me and that i am happy about. i have hobbies and research interests that i am passionate about. i have a partner whom i love and adore. i am ready to not be plagued with secrets, half-truths and shame when introduced to anyone. even the most significant strangers. i believe i am even as ready as i will ever be to accept not being introduced to members of my birth family. to the extent that one can really prepare for the possibility of disinterested biological parents, i think i have. but it feels like there is so much more at stake. so much more than my own feelings, fears, joys, questions, pains and curiosities.
it is as simple as writing a 300 dollar check and as complicated as all of the families involved. is this how scared and overwhelmed one feels when it is finally time to begin a search? is this the pinnacle of understanding that must precede a decision that could potentially affect so many? do we really live in a culture that stigmatizes adoption so much that i have to feel this way?