Thursday, August 21, 2008

two, the bio says "two" adoptees

phil, i'm sorry. i suck at this. when we came up with this idea and started this blog, i believed that i really wanted to do it. and i did. and i DO. but i haven't. i am sorry about that. my life tends to twist and turn and when it does, i like to stay on the DL. but i do want to participate in this blog and i want to spend more time focusing on my life as an adoptee. i think about it often. constantly, maybe. and i want to be ready to begin a search. but life tends to bring about so many reasons not to.

one of the things that all adult adoptees understands is the guilt that comes with choosing to search for the people whom acquaintances have misguidedly referred to as one's "real parents" for years. whether adoptive parents nurture the feeling or not, there is a deep sense of potential betrayal of the ones who have loved and cared for us all of our lives. i have always worried that searching would be interpreted as rejection or replacement by my adoptive parents. i am old enough and smart enough to know better. but that rarely matters. it is a deep and powerful anxiety.

just when i thought i was beyond it. and just when i knew my mother was beyond it (because she told me), my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. he's not dying. his surgery was successful and he'll undergo radiation treatment to be sure he is well, but this thing scared him more than i thought possible. it made him a different person. it made him passionate-- almost desperate-- about family unity. if there was ever a time i do not want my parents to feel that i am trying to replace them it is now.

so for now, i think i will continue to suggest that a search is just not financially feasible.


Anonymous said...

Have you considered just telling your parents that you need to find your birth family for medical history and genetic reasons and not for reunion purposes? They may be less threatened with that. Once you locate your birth mother you can move on from there. In fact, just the simple act of registering with the ISRR may be all you need to do. It's free and confidential and the biggest registry in the world. If your birth mother has registered, then they will inform both of you that a match has been made and then you will have contact information.

As you get older, the medical history will become much more important, even more so when you have children of your own if you don't already. Your children need the medical history as much as you do.

You can do this yourself without having to hire someone. This website will help you get started for free if you are still interested. The link to the ISRR is here also. Go to

phil said...

Oh, Shelly... I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. Really. I know that you are struggling with much, both on this score and in other areas of your life. I just wanted you to know that, despite your absence, you are still part of this blog. I still think of this as OUR blog, and I didn't want you to think I had taken it over and thought of it as "mine."

You take your time. Know that I'm always here to talk. And I'm thinking of you, sending you good thoughts.

shelly said...

no, phil, don't worry. you certainly didn't make me feel guilty! in fact... i had already posted when i read your message that made reference to my return.

let's get together soon for coffee. i miss you. email me.