phil, i'm sorry. i suck at this. when we came up with this idea and started this blog, i believed that i really wanted to do it. and i did. and i DO. but i haven't. i am sorry about that. my life tends to twist and turn and when it does, i like to stay on the DL. but i do want to participate in this blog and i want to spend more time focusing on my life as an adoptee. i think about it often. constantly, maybe. and i want to be ready to begin a search. but life tends to bring about so many reasons not to.
one of the things that all adult adoptees understands is the guilt that comes with choosing to search for the people whom acquaintances have misguidedly referred to as one's "real parents" for years. whether adoptive parents nurture the feeling or not, there is a deep sense of potential betrayal of the ones who have loved and cared for us all of our lives. i have always worried that searching would be interpreted as rejection or replacement by my adoptive parents. i am old enough and smart enough to know better. but that rarely matters. it is a deep and powerful anxiety.
just when i thought i was beyond it. and just when i knew my mother was beyond it (because she told me), my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. he's not dying. his surgery was successful and he'll undergo radiation treatment to be sure he is well, but this thing scared him more than i thought possible. it made him a different person. it made him passionate-- almost desperate-- about family unity. if there was ever a time i do not want my parents to feel that i am trying to replace them it is now.
so for now, i think i will continue to suggest that a search is just not financially feasible.