I sent a letter to my (adoptive) mother. It was rather short, but it briefly explained that I was upset that she didn't come home for Christmas. That I was upset that I wasn't a priority for her.
It was the kinder, gentler, and thus shorter version I sent.
But the day before, I wrote a much longer, more explicit, and more emotion-filled letter. I didn't send that one. Maybe I will, at some point, send a version of that letter. It lays out, in some detail, all the things that preceded this disappointment.
I really felt like I was writing a break-up letter. I don't think I've written that emotional of a letter in more than ten years. It's scary to have written it. And scarier still to send it. I just needed to say something.
Well, I needed to get it off my chest, which is why I wrote the longer letter. The shorter letter that I actually sent came from the need to say something.
You see, my mom had been calling me. I last spoke to her when she told me she wasn't coming home. And the different emotions I've been feeling make me nervous to talk to her. I'm afraid I might say things out of anger that I can't take back. Maybe I should say some of these things, but I want them to come from a calmer place, if I do.
Well, I hadn't been returning her calls. And she started sounding anxious on messages. Indeed, after I had mailed the letter, I got a call last night that sounded very worried, indeed.
So I called my sister, who I knew had been talking to our mom, and asked her to tell my mother that I was okay, and that I had sent a letter she should be getting soon.
But I didn't tell my sister anything. I'm trying to keep my siblings out of it. I don't want them to be mad at her. And I don't want them to be mad at me.
I don't think I can just walk away. I'm not sure I would want to, even if I could. But I don't really know how to move forward, either. I guess I'll see how she reacts to my letter. We'll see.