Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My Mother

I said two days ago that I thought I could say why finding my mother was so important to me.

And looking over this blog, I realize that five months ago I said that I wasn't certain why finding my mother was more important to me than finding my father.

Which I suspect goes to show that I should think before I speak. Or perhaps it shows that my own thinking about adoption get so confused sometimes that I'm not certain of much of anything.

But I want to put my comment to the test and see if I can explain why finding her was important to me.

It is more than curiosity. Of course I was curious. (As I suggested yesterday, I cannot imagine NOT being curious.) But I know it was more than that.

Is it too simple to say that I was missing something?

I mean, of course I was missing something. I was missing my mother. I was with her for nine months. Then she was gone.

Does this mean that my (adoptive) family did something wrong? Was there something they could have done to make me not miss my mom?

I don't think so. I don't think they did anything wrong. And I don't think there is anything they could have done differently.

The more I think about it, as I sit here writing, the more I think maybe it is difficult to put into words what I was missing. Our mothers provide safety and security before we have language. Articulating the anxiety caused by being separated from one's mother is perhaps impossible. What words would suffice for the purpose?

My family certainly provided for me and gave me emotional support. But it doesn't change that I missed her. And I know that when I found her again, I didn't feel like an adult. I felt like a child. I felt like I regressed to a young age.

That feeling didn't last. But I still feel comfort when I hear from her. And I still miss her when I haven't seen her in a while. And I feel anxious (and something akin to homesickness) when we say goodbye after a visit.

Ugh. This isn't simple. It's not a reflection on my family. I just missed her. I still miss her, but at least now I can call or write her.

And for that, I am thankful.

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