Thursday, November 20, 2008

What to do?

I can't believe I'm still talking about this. I mean, if I'm sick of talking about it, I can only imagine how sick you are of reading about it. But it's what's on my mind. I can't help it.

My thoughts on Tuesday night kept slipping back to the singular notion that I don't want to go home over Christmas now. This isn't just the impulse to stay home and look my imagined wounds. I would hope that I'm not that petty. It's that I worry that sitting in my mom's empty apartment for a week will be so disheartening and disappointing that it might send me on such a downward spiral that would make it difficult to want to visit the next time.

The trouble is, how to explain this to my first mom. While she empathized with the situation, she offered (helpfully, she believed) that my family is going through some hard times and might need me there. But that's just it. They don't need me. My brother has never leaned on me in his life. While they might all enjoy seeing me, I don't think they will be upset if they don't. And if I do go, I won't see all that much of them.

But I don't want to tell her that. I don't want to make her feel guilty or anything. This particular problem with my family isn't because I'm adopted. Not really. I want a kind of closeness in my family that they just don't have with each other. This has long been a source of disappointment for me. My reunion just brings it all up again as I can't help but wonder if things might have been different.

But my current problems aren't really about whether to go visit my first mom instead of going to my adoptive family. It's about whether to visit them because it might just be too depressing to go now.

Initially, my loyalty kicked in, and I wanted to go because I ought to, for them. But I can't help but wonder who I'm going for. I asked my wife if any of them would be really upset if I didn't go. And she found it hard to find anyone who would be really upset. So if I'm not going for them, and I'm not sure I want to be there, who am I going for? Why am I going at all?

I don't know how to resolve this. But I hope I do. I want to write about something else. Anything else. But right now, it's hard to think about anything else.

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