Monday, November 30, 2009

Finding Jane Doe

I don't know if I've ever explained the name of this blog. When Shelly and I came up with this, the idea was to talk about our respective searches for our mothers. We didn't know their names, so we were looking for anonymous people.

Almost as soon as we set up the blog, my search came to fruition. I haven't heard from Shelly in a while. Last time we talked, she hadn't started her search and wasn't sure when she would. I hope she will check in at some point and let me know how she is doing.

With the completion of my search, the name of the blog became less important to my posting. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much the name is still relevant. I started off looking for my biological mother. As I got to know her, and as I got to know other adoptees, I realize how much more I have been looking for myself.

So much of adoption is focused around identity issues. Who are our biological parents? This is a secret hidden from us. More importantly, though, who are we? Are we the children of our adoptive parents? Are we the children of our biological parents? Are we anyone's children?

I have spent so much time trying to figure out who I am. Not just since I started my search, but for my entire life. I have wanted to figure out who I am. I have always felt lost.

My search did not answer these questions. If I thought that it would, I was mistaken. I don't think I believed it would, but I'm not sure. Still, it has given me more grounding than I had before. I do feel more a part of this world than I did before my reunion. It's not the answer, but it has provided some pieces of the puzzle.

I guess I am still looking for Jane Doe. I'm still trying to find myself. I think I'm in here somewhere. And I feel more optimistic about finding me than I did for the first thirty-some years of my life.

But the search didn't end with reunion. It only really just got started.

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