Thursday, November 12, 2009

Understanding Loss

My sister-in-law had a miscarriage. This was a year ago. I know that it was a year ago not simply because of the brief blog post about it but because she posts about it on Facebook. She still mourns the loss of her son.

I feel badly for her. And I've certainly never noticed that anyone on her Facebook account has ever told her she needs move past it, to get over it.

I think it stands out for me because it reminds me of the loss inherent in adoption. I see this woman mourning for her child. And I see the outpouring of support for her.

And I'm befuddled by the failure of people to understand the loss of relinquishment. I don't pretend to know what she's going through. But I know she hurts. And she deserves understanding.

And it bothers me that the loss of adoption requires so much explanation, and is so easily dismissed by others. A parent loses a child, and a child loses a parent. And we are supposed to spend the entire month of November celebrating this sort of thing? Celebrating?

Further, no one doubts that my sister-in-law was her son's mother. No one questions that. And they shouldn't.

And yet, some of the insensitive people I've seen talk about adoption refuse to acknowledge that the biological parents ARE parents. They give weird definitions that entail your mother is the person who raises you, is the person that is always there for you. These descriptions would entail that my sister-in-law is not a mother, but I don't know anyone insensitive enough to make that claim. Yet people have no trouble doing it when it comes to biological parents who relinquish.

I have sympathy for my sister-in-law. And I'm not sure I feel right dragging her story into this discussion. I don't mean to minimize, in any way, the loss she has experienced and continues to experience. But the mind boggles when I see people deny the loss of adoption.


Myst said...

LOL Phil! I just blogged about this myself a few days ago... about how those involved in adoption are not allowed to grieve the same way as everyone else is. Must be on a similar wave length this week :)

Anonymous said...

I so get this Phil. I have expressed my sympathy to my son's a-mom for the loss of her children to miscarriage and the loss of her first adopted child when that child's first mom changed her mind.
Her response to my grief at the loss of my son/her son is this. "your grief after all these years is ridiculous, you need serious therapy."
Maybe one day she will be willing to listen, and willing to learn.


*Peach* said...

So much IS tiring.