Monday, November 23, 2009

Holiday Guilt

I know no one is perfect. I really do. And I don't expect them to be perfect. I really don't. I think I am a patient person, a forgiving person. If for no other reason then that I know I am not perfect and need the forgiveness of others.

So I don't know why it's so hard for me to get over my disappointment at my mother's absence last Christmas. It's not like I think other parents are perfect. I know my dad isn't perfect. I know my first mom isn't perfect. I know other people's parents aren't perfect. So why can't I just let this go?

I don't know. I just don't.

But in making plans to visit family over the holidays, I made a hotel reservation. In the past, we have stayed with my mother. Because of my own conflicted feelings, I thought we should stay in a hotel. Then I started feeling guilty about that.

It seems like too much a slap in the face. Granted, I have no idea if my mother is going to be home when we visit. And if she is, I don't know if she wants us to stay with her. But if she will be there, and if she asks us, I think maybe I should just say yes.

Staying in a hotel wasn't an attempt at punishing her, but I worry that she would take it that way. I don't want to make the rift between us even wider. I'm not assuming that we will stay with her, but I want to leave open the possibility for now.

I just hope it's not a mistake.

1 comment:

Angelle said...

See if you are offered a place to stay and keep the hotel as a backup plan.

She is your mom (well, one of them) and that is so important.

Perhaps it has a to do with bridging the two worlds of first and adoptive families and to clarify in ones mind exactly how it all fits.

Perhaps she has difficulties that she hasn't expressed.